I have a list of stresses and anxieties that I feel that I have to address in my writing before this month is over. The first few posts were big for me because I was officially acknowledging the pain from losing Henley and recognizing that it needs to be dealt with. In order to deal with all of it, there are many topics that a part of me is avoiding writing about because of the energy I know that will be required, but also not knowing where to start.
When I've sat down to begin unloading some unwanted weights, I'm frozen. My thoughts will be racing and my brain will be typing about 1,000 words per minute, but my body is motionless. My heart will start racing, my body begins to warm, my palms get clammy, and before I know it, the subconscious boils over and the tea kettle of frustration is whistling, signaling that this writing session is done with nothing to show for it. That's what happened yesterday. Instead of worrying about it, I gave 100% of myself to my boys the rest of the day afternoon. We had a "Boys Night" while my wife was with friends. It allowed me to move on and then write for fun, and off topic for this challenge, instead.
That frozen feeling I had is similar to when my stress and anxiety was coming to a head before I began trail running or writing. Sometimes my brain would be unsuccessfully balancing the thoughts of about 10 stresses and worries at once. Things I had been struggling with for months, if not years. I'll be sitting quietly in my own thoughts feeling utterly overwhelmed, my respiratory system begging for a deep inhalation of fresh air, my heart rate begins to contend with the leaders at the Indianapolis 500, and I'm feeling trapped. My body is creating a call for help and that's when Kelly will inevitably ask,
"Are you okay Michael?"
Although I'm not. I think to myself, "Don't bother her with all this. I wouldn't even know where to begin anyway."
And just like a failed attempt at a writing session, I lose a golden opportunity. In this case, to get help from the person that loves me unconditionally and I know wants to help carry that weight. A failed writing session is no big deal. A failed opportunity to stave off a panic attack of sorts? Now that's a big deal.
"Failure isn't not making a mistake. Failure is not being authentic. Failure is not going for it." - Michael Gervais
Instead of worrying about writing the perfect post every day, I am going to focus on completely clearing my head of all the thoughts I can on whichever given topic I have chosen. When I feel as though I have sufficiently cleansed my mind, I will organize those thoughts and create a post. Today, I wrote (in addition to this post) for over an hour on my first topic and I'm not done. It is just a bunch of random thoughts, jumping around, from thought to thought as I think of them. It is a perfect reflection of what the thoughts represent in my head; a mess. The important task is to get it all out. I can organize it and put it together for a post at a different time.
I don't think these 30 days will be mistaken for me not being authentic. But if I don't get to some topics that occupy a significant amount of real estate in my brain, then I will have accomplished nothing for myself. So here we go, it won't be perfect and at times may not even be coherent, but bare with me over the next few weeks. I appreciate each of you.
As always, if you feel compelled to help support my cause during my Do Thirty challenge, feel free to visit my GoFundMe page and together we can impact local families fighting childhood cancer together!